Three Strikes
by Lynn1415
Summary: rating is just to be on the safe side, some cursing. It's about Ponyboy's life after Dally and Johnny's deathes. Read and Review PLEASE! I won't write more until you R/R.
1. Default Chapter

Three Strikes  
  
Honestly I tried to stop fighting, we both did. We just couldn't help it. Neither of us see things the same. We might be looking at the same thing but we'll be seeing it two different ways. Darry gets on my nerves and I know I get on his too. It's hard for us. He thinks I should be perfect and I think I should be me. But who is me? I've never been able to figure that part of the equation out. It's rough when you have a brother who wants you to be at your best but you don't even know what your best is because you don't know what you are. That's why we still fight. Because he doesn't see that I'm lost and I refuse to talk about my feelings with Darry because nobody talks about there feelings with Darry. It just isn't done. The only thing that's changed in the fighting is we try not to put Soda in the middle. Most of the time we leave him out of our arguments completely, which is no trouble since he's not around much anymore anyway. He's going out with this new chick. I don't really know her though.  
  
It's like 11pm and I'm suppose to be home. When Darry finds out I'm not there well let's just say it won't b pretty. It wasn't my fault though. Two-Bit was suppose to pick me up at the movie. When he didn't show I figured that the movie had ended early so I could either wait there or go over to Buck's to find him. So you see it was all just a big mistake. When I finally found out what time it was it was too late.  
  
Is that a truck coming? Maybe I could bum a ride. Oh Boy! It's a truck alright but not one that I want to see right now.  
  
"PONYBOY CURTIS GET YOUR ASS IN THIS TRUCK RIGHT NOW!!!!!"  
  
I hop in the truck and he starts driving. He's griping the steering wheel so hard I think it'll break. Great that would be perfect another thing we'd have to pay for. When he calms down the questioning begins.  
  
"Pony where have you been?"  
  
"I was at the movies. Two-Bit was suppose to pick me up but he never showed. Plus I didn't have anymore money (ok so that's not entirely the truth. What are you gonna do shoot me. Trust me it wouldn't be the first time someone tried to kill me.)  
  
"Why didn't you stay there. I'm sure he would've come sooner or later."  
  
"I assumed it would be later and I didn't want to walk."  
  
"That's no excuse. What were you thinking?"  
  
"I WASN'T OK! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANNA HEAR!?! HUH?"  
  
"Look Pony."  
  
"No you look you tell me I don't use my head every damn day Darry! I'm tired of hearing it!"  
  
We came to a stop sign and I jumped out and started running. I ran into the woods and toward Buck's. Dary might know where I was going but lately he had no clue what I was up too. If Darry knew I was going to Buck's or hanging out with the Shepherds' that would be it or me. I would never see the light of day again. Oh Damn he's found me. I turn of the road and run threw the trees. I have to lose him before I get to Buck's. He can't find out. 


	2. Chapter 2 Desicions Desicions

Chapter 2  
  
Sorry I didn't do this before none of these characters are mine they all belong to S.E. Hinton.  
  
I lost Darry a while back. He thinks I'll be home when I get tired and I probably will. I mean where else do I have to go. I have nowhere to go and no one to go with. It's sad and pathetic. I feel so alone with no friends. I slow down to a walk because I've been jogging for awhile now. Maybe I can stay at Buck's for a little bit. I mean Dally stayed there. I was nearly at Buck's when I heard the sirens. I came around the bend and there at Buck's house were 3 police cars. They were dragging Buck out of his house. Others were being being handcuffed and arrested. I couldn't believe it.  
  
Why were they there? I mean they wouldn't have come unless someone had told them about Buck's. It didn't make sense. Thepolice didn't care what we diod unless someone made a ruckus about it. Nobody around here would tell on Buck out of fear. Tim hung out at Buck's and nobody wanted to get on Tim's bad side. None of the Soc's would be caught dead around here so they wouldn't know anything about Buck's. So why were the police here.  
  
I could go up and ask what was happening. Just pretend I was just walking by and saw them there. I could act like just another gawking spectator, you know those people who see an accident and act like it's the first time they've seen something bad happen. They should live in my neighborhood. They would be used to the accidents and the police and everything.  
  
My brain was telling me to go up there but something inside me told me that Darry had had something to do with the police. Maybe I should just walk away. I'll always find out what happened later.  
  
I decided to go to the movies. Maybe I can stay there for a while. /it was getting cold. It must be getting close to at least 12. Soda would be home soon if he wasn't already. Then I would have to answer to him and Darry. I hate to say it but sometimes it's harder for me to face Soda because he tries not to yell but I can see his disappointment. I want to call out "JUST YELL AT ME ALREADY, WOULD YA?" It just makes me feel horrible to know that he's disappointed but he's trying to hide it. Darry wasn't easy for me to face though. He scared me. I didn't know how he would react. I never thought he would hit me and look how that turned out.  
  
That's why I didn't want to go home. I knew the longer I waited the harder it would be for me to face them. But I couldn't help it. I didn't want to go home but I couldn't stay out here all night I would freeze. I finally got to the movies. I had some change in my pocket that I took out and paid for the movie. I bought some popcorn and a soda and sat down to watch the movie. The movies were deserted except for some drunks and some people who were high. I sat threw the movie and when it was over I had to face my problem. I couldn't decide what to do. I had to go home, but I knew it was at least 2 or 3 in the morning and I was afraid. What should I do?  
  
I have to go home. I have to go home. My mind kept telling me I had to go home. My legs decided to walk in that direction but when I got to the lot they stopped. I couldn't go any farther. I was so close but I couldn't make my legs move. I had run away from Darry. I had stayed out until like 3 in the morning. I would never see the light of day again if I went home. That if is very important. But how could I not go home. I was so cold and so alone. Going home would help the cold but the loneliness would stay. Nothing could help my loneliness. Nobody understood me. I didn't even understand me.  
  
"And we're back to that again." I whispered to myself. No matter what I do it always seems to come back to that in the end. How could it not? How far can you go in your life if you don't know yourself?  
  
"Ponyboy? Is that you where have you been?" said Two-Bit. "Geez it's 3:30 and Darry and Soda are freaking out. I tried to calm them down. The yelling finally stopped and Soda is now asleep but Darry is still mad I'd say he's pissed."  
  
"Thanks Two-Bit way to make me feel better!"  
  
"C~ya when you're not grounded Pony."  
  
My feet start to carry me to the house and I open the door. It's like deja vou. 


	3. Chapter 3 My Bed

Chapter 3 My Bed  
  
You know the drill. None of these characters are mine they all belong to S.E. Hinton.  
  
I opened the door as slow as possible. I think I was going a little too slow, because by the time I had opened the door fully I was standing face to chest with Darry. I say face to chest because at this moment I felt 3inches tall and quite frankly I was scared. I had never felt so small in front of Darry. I had felt 5inches tall but right now I felt only a mere 3inches. He just stood there and looked at me. It was like he was at a loss of words and Darry not yelling at me was like well there is no example cause it just doesn't happen.  
  
We just stood there staring at each other until Soda walked up behind Darry and said "Where ya been Pony?!?! It's 3:35 in the morning!"  
  
"Sorry I was at the movies."  
  
"Yeah well we thought you would go to Buck's."  
  
He kept talking he was more rambling but I just tuned him out. I just didn't feel like listening to him or Darry, even though Darry hadn't said a word. I was staring at Darry and he was staring right back. His eyes were cold but they had a hidden feeling in them. It was like he wanted to tell me something but he couldn't find the words. Soda suddenly noticed that me and Darry were just standing there not listening to him but instead staring at each other. I think he noticed Darry's look too.  
  
"I called the police." Darry stated. "I was worried and I know you went there. I told them that I was worried that my kid brother was there and to be on the lookout for you there. They went there because I told them to and they were looking for you there. They called me and told me that you weren't there. But you were there weren't you Pony. You just didn't want to go up to the house while ther was police there. What have you gotten yourself into? Do I even want to know? Cause right now I don't think that I do."  
  
I stared at him in silence for a second and then realized I had been right not to go up there. I had thought that Darry had somehow been involved with the police being there. "How could you, Darry? You got Buck arrested. What if he finds out it was you? I would have been fine there. You don't control and you don't care about me and I sure as hell don't want you too. You yell at me all the time. If I do good you want me to do better. Well I don't know that I can do better."  
  
"You got it wrong Pony he cares about you. Tell him Darry." Soda spoke up.  
  
"I gave up a good life for you Pony. I could have gone threw college but I stayed behind to care for you. This is how you repay someone who gave up is life to give you a good one?" Darry's voice was cold and hard. It just showed that he really didn't care about me.  
  
"I didn't ask you or Soda to give up anything for me. And I don't care what you do with your own damn life. JUST STAY THE HELL OUTTA MINE. You gave up your life to help me in the respect that I would be grateful and throw myself at your feet and be the perfect brother and child. But Darry that's not how it works. You gave in order to receive thanks, but someone who truly cares would give with the hope that they could make a difference even if they didn't get a thanks. But if that's what you really want Darry fine. Thanks Darry thank you for being the bestest parent I ever had. You're great and how can I ever repay you? Is that what you want?" I said this without even thinking. I said it sarcastically and he looked kind of hurt. I never realized how much resent I felt when it came to Darry, I didn't resent him but I felt that he resented me.  
  
"Yeah Pony that's exactly what I wanted." He slapped me hard, harder than before and I flew back against the door. "Listen here Ponyboy I care about you too much to see you hang out at Buck's and get in trouble. Use your head. Where else do you have to go. And another thing if you get in trouble it's not just you who'll be taken away but Soda ."  
  
"Oh yeah your precious Soda. Soda who can drop out of school and still stay in your good graces. He gets treated better than I do by you and up until recently I did whatever you told me. I would do something good and that would set the standard for the next time. It's not far and you know it. You should just get rid of me and live happily ever after with Soda."  
  
I couldn't take it anymore. I ran past them and into my room. I locked the door and sat on the bed. I grabbed a book and started reading. I heard Darry and Soda trying to get in to my room.  
  
"Ponyboy open this door right now."  
  
"Oh go fuck off!" I yelled back.  
  
I heard a giant slam and knew Darry was trying to break into my room. I opened the window and ducked into the closet. I left it open a crack to see what happened next. Darry broke down the door with a loud BOOM. He charged in with Soda behind him. He saw the open window and thought I had gone out it. He couldn't stop me from sleeping in my own bed tonight. 


	4. Chapter 4 deja vu

Chapter 4 Mine  
  
It's my bed not Darry's and I live in this house too not just Darry. I heard Darry and Soda run out of the house. I came out of my hiding space. See Darry I can use my head. I fooled you. I went over to the bed and slipped between the covers, and soon I was asleep. I woke up to the sounds of argueing.  
  
"I think you should do what the little bastard said and get rid of him." That was Steve. I was hurt, but not surprised in the slightest. Steve and me were never too savvy when it came to the each other. He thought I was just Soda's tag-a-long brother and I thought he was a jackass. That caused more than one heated discussion between us.  
  
"Steve keep your big mouth shut. We're not giving up Pony. We need him whether it's obvious right now or not." Darry said. He said the last part almost inaudibly.  
  
"I honestly don't know what to do with him. He sneeks out. He runs away only to come back when we're not here. He needs to get on with his life." Darry sure was in a talking mood.  
  
"Is there anything we can do? It's getting me tired trying to find him and trying to keep track of him. Darry we have jobs that we have to be at and I don't know about you but I got in trouble today for falling asleep on the job. I think that I already have a few gray hairs." Soda was giving up on me? No it wasn't possible. What did it matter if I was innocent were they going to believe me? No they never would. It wasn't fair. I thought Soda loved me. I've given him trouble before, but he has never given up on me. I walked into the room and slugged Soda. It was so unexpected that he didn't have time to react, but Steve did. He gave me a beating. He tackled me to the floor and punched me over and over until Darry got him off.  
  
"Steve let him go!" Darry and Soda yelled. Darry grabbed Steve and held him back and Two-Bit grabbed me.  
  
"HOW COULD YOU GIVE UP ON ME?!?!? I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY BROTHER?! WELL BROTHER'S DON'T GIVE UP ON EACH OTHE AND THEY BELIEVE EACH OTHER!!!!" I yelled this, broke free of Two-Bit's hold and then ran into my room and locked the door. I sank to the floor and started to cry. Everyone in the other room heard me because I didn't even try to hide the fact that I was crying. I couldn't help it it was just too much on top of everything else.  
  
"Pony look um so sorry. I didn't mean it. I'm just tired and worn out."  
  
"Yeah I heard it all while you were all talking. At least Darry stood up for me. You were all for Steve's plan to give me away. Why don't you just sell me to someone who wants me? Then you get the money and you get to get some sleep. Did anyone ever ask you to care about me? No."  
  
"Pony look."  
  
"No I savvy real well. There's no need to explain."  
  
"Come on Pony Soda didn't mean it."  
  
I just kept on crying and stopped listening to them. They kept talking and even Steve joined in to yell at me for crying.  
  
"Pony let us in. You been bawling for the last 30min. He didn't mean it. Haven't you ever said something that you didn't mean to? I know you have. In fact as I recall you said you hated me." Darry said quietly through the door.  
  
"Why would you think that that was a lie. That was what I meant. I still do hate you and Two-Bit and Soda and Steve and Johnny and Dally. You've all abandoned me in one way or another. Tell me why I should stay here when everyone tries to hurt me. You've all done it and you each know it. It seems it would be in the best interests of everyone if I just went out the bedroom window again." I said all this while still in tears. In truth I had no intention of going out that window. This was my bed and partly my house. Darry, Soda, Steve, and Two-Bit couldn't drive me out. They may desert me when I needed them the most and they may think I'm a liar, but I refuse to leave my house. If I left I would have nowhere to go. When someone's target is nothing they're sure to hit it and I got the bulls eye. 


	5. Chapter 5 Question in the grave

Chapter 5  
  
I sat there for a while. The rest of the gang had stopped trying to talk to me. I heard a knock on the window and turned to see Soda outside the window. He was trying to get in. I knew it felt like it was below zero outside and his hair looked like the grease was freezing so I decided not to leave him out there in the cold. I would hate myself forever if I let one of my only two brothers die. Besides maybe he had something important to say.  
  
"Pony is this about a greaser chick or something?"  
  
"What????" Was my brother asking me if my inner turmoil was caused by a girl. Ok so I guess I'll give him the benefit of the dought and say that it could have been caused by a girl. But seriously come on does he know me at all?  
  
"I didn't think so. I was just asking don't get all upset I'm just trying to figure out what's wrong."  
  
"You don't want to know what's wrong." I muttered to myself.  
  
"What?" Damn he heard me. I thought I said it quieter. Oh well you live you learn. Of course you can't really call my existence living, it's more like watching others live from the sidelines. I wasn't afraid of death because I didn't have life to begin with and to die you have to have life. You can't have one without the other. "Pony snap out of it."  
  
"Sorry I guess I just spaced out for a second."  
  
"You do that a lot lately. We've all noticed it. You've gotten distant and more cut off. And your attitude has changed from caring about everything to not caring about anything including what happens to you."  
  
"Me who am I tell me how I can care about someone I don't even know?" I thought about saying this but decided to just continue to stare at him.  
  
"Look Pony I love you and you should know that no matter what I will love you, but just because I love you doesn't mean that I can't get mad at you. And I will get mad at you if you continue to do stuff like you been doin'." Soda embraced me and I wanted to hug him back, but something in the back of my mind told me to hold back. I wanted to hug him so bad and feel the love that I hadn't felt in a while.  
  
Soda then walked to the door and unlocked it. I announced that I was sorry and going to bed. I got into bed and started thinking about when the change had come over me. It was when Johnny died. Johnny was the only one who knew me, even Soda didn't know me like Johnny. Johnny knew me as a person, less than perfect. He knew I wasn't God and I couldn't do everything and anything. He knew I cussed and got into fights. Smoked, drank once, I had even tried some harder stuff, but Johnny kept me from doing anything perminantly because he believed in me. He knew who I was and who I could be. Darry and Soda were just taking shots in the dark at who I am. Now Johnny is gone and I can't bring him back to ask him who I am. He has the answer and he took it to his grave.  
  
"Why Johnny why? Why did you die, why didn't you tell me who I was. You knew I was lost. I had even asked you about it. But you wouldn't answer. Maybe you weren't suppose to say, maybe you just didn't want me to be happy after you died." I whispered this to myself. I continued to think through the night and when Soda came into the room I just pretended I was asleep, when I was really still thinking. I had to figure out my answer, the whole gang was being affected by me and I couldn't do this to them. 


	6. Chapter 6 Monday's suck

Chapter 6 Monday's suck  
  
A/N I know I keep forgetting this but none of these characters are mine they are all come from the brilliant mind of S.E. Hinton.  
  
I must have drifted off to sleep sometime during the night because the next thing I knew Darry was calling for me to get up because breakfast was ready. Damn it it's Monday already. I don't like Mondays. They're no fun. I have to get up for school because it's no longer the summer. This sucks. This blows. This is total crap.  
  
"Pony get up now!"  
  
"I'm up already geez. Layoff." I got out of bed and put on a pair of pants and a shirt. I slipped out of my room and into the kitchen where the gang was already eating. I grabbed a piece of cake and started munching on it. When I looked up from my cake the gang was looking at me like I'd explode at any moment.  
  
"What? What's with you guys your making me nervous?" They continued to stare at me though, so I finished my cake, got up and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and grease my hair. I heard the gang talking through the bathroom door.  
  
"I don't know about him." Steve said  
  
"I'm getting really worried last night he was saying stuff in his sleep, like why Johnny why and who am I? I was gonna wake him up but I didn't know f wanted to be woken up. It's the first time that I thought about what Pony might want instead of what's best." Soda said. So he's starting to get it. Get that sometimes what's best isn't what I want or what I need. What's best can sometimes be a bad thing when people want you to shoot for best all the time. It's tough and it puts a lot of strain on a person.  
  
"Maybe Pony just needs some time for himself. He just hasn't been the same since Johnny and Dally died." Darry joined in the conversation. Yes that's exactly what I need. Time to myself. Time to find myself and to figure out who I am. I walked back into the kitchen and said goodbye and started to walk to school. Normally I would have waited for Two-Bit, but he looked like he was gonna be there a while longer besides that I didn't feel like walking and talking with anyone this morning.  
  
I made my way to school and found Curly and his gang standing outside.  
  
"Yo, Pony, wanna skip school and come hang with us." Curly said.  
  
"What are you talking about Curly, that little bookworm loves his precious school," taunted one of the guys.  
  
"Who needs school anyway," I said and casually walked over there.  
  
"Wow you've got more guts than I gave you credit for kid." Said the one who made fun of me before.  
  
"Yeah well." I drifted into silence because I didn't really know what else to say. "So what are we doing?"  
  
"I dunno anyone up for going to Buck's" Curly said.  
  
"Nah we were just there last night," said one guy.  
  
"How about we just walk around for a while and see what trouble we can find. Maybe there'll even be a fight somewhere," Curly decided. Everyone including myself agreed. School didn't seem that important. I felt kind of guilty because Darry and Soda worked so hard to keep me in school, but that guilt soon faded. We walked around for a while until we found what we were looking for. It was an all out rumble. 


	7. Chapter 7 Two Ways

Chapter 7 Two Ways  
  
Ok look all of these characters belong to S.E. Hinton so that means none of these characters are mine. Exactly what we were looking for. We joined in the fight. We weren't really fighting for either side. We were fighting for our own reasons. These people were my problems in a more real form. The people I fought were my problems. When I socked some guy in the nose I was punching Darry. When I kicked some guy in the gut he was me. It was an all out battle royal and I wasn't going to lose. I kept hitting and punching and taking hits and punches. Until they all ran away when the cops came. I ran with them. Curly and me ran together until I got ahead. I was still a star runner. Besides that Curly smoked more than I did, plus he drank.  
  
I lost the cops and kept running. Since it was only 1:30pm nobody was there. Soda was at the DX and Darry was working. Even the guys weren't there because Two-Bit was at school and Steve was with Soda. I was home alone in the house. It was nice. I've never been home alone at the house for very long. Today I would be alone the rest of the afternoon. Until about 5:00 because that's when Two-Bit, who goes from school to the DX, Soda, and Steve would be there. I got out a book and read until 4:30. That's when Soda came running in. He stopped when he saw me.  
  
"Two-Bit said he didn't see you at school today what's wrong? Where were you? You couldn't be sick because I saw you leave this morning and you would have said something. And."  
  
"Chill Soda. It's all right."  
  
"How can you say it' all right, when you didn't go to school today. Do you know what Darry is going to do when he finds out. He'll skin you alive. And then."  
  
"Calm down. It's not your problem."  
  
"IT IS MY PROBLEM. YOU'RE MY PROBLEM. ." he stopped. I looked at him wide eyed.  
  
"If hat's the way you feel about it maybe I should leave then. That way you wouldn't have to worry about me anymore." I didn't yell this. My voice sounded strange, like I was about to cry, real hurt. I started to turn and walk away silently, but Soda stopped me. "Just let me go. You didn't even hear my story before you jumped to the conclusion that I was up to no good." I realized something then. The light wasn't good in the room and he couldn't see my scars and bruises.  
  
"Um sorry Pony you're right I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions, but you're my little bro. When you don't show up at school, I get scared." He turned on the light and his eyes went wide. "Pony what in the world happened to you?"  
  
"I was hanging out with Curly and his gang when I should have been in school. We found a fight and I joined in."  
  
"Did you drink with them too or smoke joints with them?"  
  
"No way. I wouldn't do that."  
  
"And tell me how am I supposed to believe you, when you just skipped school today to get into a fight?"  
  
"Trust works two ways Soda. When my brother says that I'm his trouble it gives me a warning flag. If I don't trust you, which I don't, then I don't expect you to trust me." 


	8. Chapter 8 Pretty and Popular

Chapter 8 Pretty and Popular  
  
We've been through this before people. None of these characters are mine they all belong to S.E. Hinton. Also, I would like to thank the people who review. It really gives me inspiration to keep writing knowing that there are people who are going to read.  
  
Soda looked taken aback. He never expected this to turn on him. Two- Bit and Steve walked in at about that moment.  
  
"Hey we decided to take a longer way home to give you guys some bonding time." Two-Bit said jokingly, although I have no doubt that they did take a longer way. I wasn't in the mood to talk to any of them so I turned and tried to walk away, but Soda grabbed my shirt and hauled me to our room.  
  
"Where'd you think you're going? Huh? You're staying here until Darry gets home at which time he can deal with your little escapade into the world of drugs."  
  
"What are you talking about? Pony did drugs?" Steve was awe-struck. "I didn't think the id had it in him."  
  
"I didn't do drugs, and like I said trust works two ways. The worst I did today was break someone's nose." I walked into my room without a fight. Soda closed the door and left me in there by myself. I picked up Gone with the Wind, because my other book was in the living room with Soda, and started to read it. I had already read it once since Johnny's death and I couldn't bring myself to read it again, until now. I read 150 pages before Darry got home at 7. Darry barged into my room yelling at the top of his lungs.  
  
"PONYBOY CURTIS WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING DITCHING SCHOOL LIKE THAT?!? NOT TO MENTION GETTING INTO A FIGHT." Darry was pissed and I wasn't about to try to make up an excuse to try to cover my tracks just to have Darry find out I was lying. So this left me with a choice I wasn't to thrilled with, Tell the truth.  
  
I told him the whole story from start to finish. From when I left the house until this exact moment. He calmed down a little during my story, at least I prayed he calmed down.  
  
"Pony you can't skip school (woo hoo he is more calm, a lot more calm). Soda and I work hard so you can go to school. I work 2 jobs so that you can go on to do bigger and better things than anyone else here. You can't throw away you're opportunities like that. You need to be your best."  
  
I cut him off, "What is my best? Who am I? How can I tell what my best is if I don't even know who I am!"  
  
You gullible people you, you thought I would actually say that didn't you? Well I didn't.  
  
"Darry I can't always be my best. You spent your school time as the all star athlete and bookworm. You are Darry the Soc and Darry the Greaser. You could fit in with either world, but I can't. I'm not you. I can't always do my best because I'm not as tough as you. It's hard to always do what your capable of and never have fun. It's all work and noplay and it's getting old. Today I just wanted a break. I wanted something that would constitute as normal for a Greaser. I don't fit in anywhere um not a Soc, even though I get the grades and am the fastest runner, and I'm not really a Greaser. Greasers get drunk and do stupid things. They cut school to go find a party. They don't get good grades or do any extra curricular activities. They like to fight whether they're forced to or not. I'm not like that. I wanted to for once know what it's like to fit in. Do you even know what it's like not to fit in? Of course you don't. Neither does Soda. Soda and you were always popular and everyone liked you. Everyone knows me as your little brother, or as Soda's little brother they don't know me for who I am. I don't even know me for who I am." 


	9. Chapter 9 a million times

Chapter 9 A million times  
  
OK people we've been through this before. None of these characters belong to me. They all come from the ingenious mind of S.E. Hinton.  
  
Darry stared at me for a while. I don't know how much time passed but it had to have been at least 5min before he spoke  
  
"Pony. what." He was speechless. He was pale and and I had said something that he couldn't think of anything to say back. This was a first.  
  
"Darry, you and Soda are great. But you set your expectations way too high and keep them there. You expect me to be something wonderful, when I don't even know who or what I am. Sometimes all I want to be is a kid."  
  
"Pony I don't know what to say. Why didn't you tell me before?"  
  
"When? Huh? When you hit me? When Johnny died? Or would you rather I told you during one of our many fights?"  
  
"Look Pony I set high standards for you because I know."  
  
"If your next words are because I know you can reach them I don't want to hear it. You don't know shit. You want me to be able to reach them and you want to think that I can reach them. But your lying if your saying you know you can reach them."  
  
"No Pony I know you can reach my expectations because that's the kind of kid you are."  
  
"Oh so you know who I am. Please enlighten me. Who am I?"  
  
"What kind of question is that. You're Ponyboy. You're the shy kid who always has his nose in a book. Or at least used to have his nose in a book. You're the kind kid that nobody takes the time to get to know. You're the kid who does great in school and is a star athlete. You're the same Ponyboy from before Johnny's death only slightly altered. Now you know you're not invincible and that one day everyone will die."  
  
"That's not everything about me though. Is it? I mean that can't be all there is to me. What values do I have? Am I still gold or have I turned?"  
  
"What do you mean? If you mean are you still young and innocent no. Because you have seen things that kids shouldn't have to see. Are you saying that you still have a quality personality that everyone loves yes. As for your values. I don't know what your values are Pony. I thought you wanted to stay clean and go places in this world. But lately you haven't been showing me that side. You have been showing me that you'll go along with the crowd just to make friends. That's wrong Pony. That's wrong on so many levels because sometimes your friends can hurt you even if they don't mean to. Your friends don't know what's best for you."  
  
"And neither do you. You stand here and tell me that they don't know what's best for me and that I shouldn't let my friends run my life and yet you stand before me doing it as we speak. Does that mean that I shouldn't listen to you?"  
  
"No Pony um your gardian. I take care of you. Plus I've lived longer. You can listen to me. And listen good. I hope you find yourself, but that's not something I can help you with. It's your life that means you can screw it up or take what me and Soda are offering to you. We're offering you a future. Curly Shepherd and his gang are offering you trouble, jail, and an early death. I love you and I want to see you succeed and so does Soda. We're rooting for you Pony. We'll always be there for you if you tell us what's up. We can't help you if we don't know what's going on. And even though you're so lost I still have to ground you because you still did break house rules. I will continue to ground you until you get it threw your head that you need to try and pull yourself together."  
  
"Darry don't give up on me. Even if I fall a million times. Please be there to pick me back up. Please help me in whatever ways you can. I need a lot of help. 


	10. Chapter 10 Things

Chapter 10 Things  
  
Wow a double digit chapter didn't think I'd make it this far. Anyway thank you all you reviewers out there. None of these characters belong to me. They belong to S.E. Hinton. I may make a girl character but I need some advice from readers should I add a girl or leave it be for now?  
  
I walked away then. To the kitchen, to get some water and then went back into my room. I turned off all the lights and just sat there. Just sat there in the dark staring at the wall. When Soda came in I was still staring at the wall. He pulled back the covers and got in without turning on the light. I thought he would go to bed without saying anything to me, but I was wrong.  
  
"Pony I know you're going threw a tough time. But your not the only one so you shouldn't act like. When I said you were my problem I didn't mean it like that. You're my brother and that is a sacred bond. I'll always be there when you need me. You know that. You can tell me anything you want. You don't have to be afraid I'll get upset."  
  
"You don't know what I'm going through. I know everyone has problems. I know you and Darry get upset with me sometimes. I also know that it's hard to find something you've lost. Especially when you have no clue where to start looking for it. I see this situation two ways. I see it your way and I see it mine. You're the adults you feel the need to protect. But on the other hand what is there to protect if there is no me. You two seem to know me better than I do and I don't understand that."  
  
"What do you mean if there is no you? Pony that's not what I want to hear outta y."  
  
"I didn't mean it that way. I have too much to live for, and yet nothing at all. I meant that I don't know me so where is the person to protect. And besides that weren't you listening to a thing I said? The only thing you got out of what I said was that one statement." I was so calm. I didn't notice it, but I think Soda did, because he started to get nervous that I wasn't yelling or screaming or crying. Just talking. I'm not getting emotional probably because I'm too emotionally strained right now. Soda didn't try to talk to me again. I was sorry I had blown him off, but it's how I feel and I'm tired of hiding it and then getting in trouble for doing something to release the stress. This house and family were killing me. They were trying there best to help, I had to give them credit for that. And I know they love me. It's just. I don't know myself! It's like I'm fallinhg apart and nobody can help. They say they'll be there, but how can someone been there for you if they don't know what your going through. Things just don't work that way. Things don't work any way for me so what does it matter? 


	11. Chapter 11 Quick Stroll

Chapter 11 Quick Stroll  
  
Sorry guys I know you had to wait awhile for this and I apologize. I've just been busy. Anyway you know the drill. None of these characters belong to me. They all come from S.E. Hinton  
  
Soda had long ago gone to sleep and I could hear him snoring. I was still sitting here on the bed though. I got up and walked out of my room. I could hear Darry's breathing in his room. I walked into the tv room and saw Steve asleep on the couch. Him and his old man must have had another fight. I continued walking right out the door. I walked strait on through the night. As the sun came up I realized I had to get back for school. I had the whole night in a daze. I had no idea where I was. I looked around and noticed a pay phone. I didn't have any money on me right now though. I went up to a man and asked if he had any spare change. He handed me some money. I probably looked pretty bad, not having any sleep and all. I dialed my number and no one answered. I guess it was passed time for them to be at work. I left a message and started to walk towards a gas station.  
  
"Excuse me sir, but how do I get back to Tulsa?"  
  
"Well you're about two hours from it. Just drive down that highway and take exit 35. You should end up right there."  
  
"Thanks" I muttered. The guy had thought that I actually had a car. So he was thinking 2 hours bye car, but it would take me at least 5 hours on foot. Oh well I walked out here. Before I left the station I looked at the clock. It was 7:00. I started on my long journey home.  
  
As I walked I thought about what was going on. How everything was changing. I hadn't noticed it before, but Soda was spending more time with this new chick, Andy. I had met her before and she was ok. She wasn't like a lot of the other greaser girls, but she was still pretty annoying.  
  
Darry. well, Darry would always be who he was. The supersoc. Superman. He would never change. I found exit 35 and turned onto it. Cars passed me. Some slowed down and asked me if I needed a ride. I always declined because I didn't want Darry to be even more upset with me. He would be absolutely pissed when he got home. When I got home it was 1pm. It took me an hour longer than expected. I had to stop a few times and rest on the way home. I was so tired I got in bed and fell asleep.  
  
I slept on and on until I heard the door open and close. I woke up and walked into the living room. I was still so tired though. It's only Two-Bit thank god.  
  
"Hey Pony."  
  
"Hey um gonna go back to bed ok?"  
  
"Yeah sure whatever Pony. Darry and Soda were really worried about you. They told me to come here after school to see if you were home. They were gonna go out looking for ya but Darry would have been fired and Soda would have had it taken out of his pay check."  
  
"Ok" That was all I could think of to say. I didn't think there was anything else to say.  
  
I went back to my room and slept until I heard the door open and close with a loud BANG. Oh no here comes the real trouble. 


	12. Chapter 12 It Hurts

Chapter 12 It Hurts  
  
Hey everyone sorry this took soooooo long in coming but with school and extra curricular activities I couldn't help it. Besides that I didn't know what to write. Anyway none of these are my characters except Andy who isn't going to mentioned very much (I don't think so at least)  
  
Darry and Soda walked in, one following right behind the other.  
  
"Did he get home?"  
  
"Is he here?" They asked at the same time.  
  
"Why don't you guys see for yourselves."  
  
I opened my eyes just a little and saw the two standing there looking at me as if they had never seen anything like me in the entire world. Which I knew wasn't right because there are millions of people and who cares about me. I am one and one is not all. If it came down to everyone dieing or just me which do you think they'd choose? Exactly, they'd choose everyone else because like I said one is not all.  
  
"Hey guys how was work?" As soon as I said something the look was gone from there faces and all I saw was anger and concern. But mostly anger.  
  
"Can you believe that he actually has the guts to ask us how work was?" Soda said.  
  
"Work was fine Pony. Now explain yourself now. Where did you go? We were so worried. Why did you go? You can't believe how relieved we are to have you back." Darry said this. I think he was in hysterics because some of it he yelled and he said it all in one breath. How he did that I have no idea.  
  
"Chill Darry. That's too many questions for me to answer at once."  
  
"Ok then how about you just tells us what happened." Said Darry as Two-Bit came and sat down to listen.  
  
"Aight fine." I told the truth. Of how I went out for a short walk and ended up walking all night. Well not really all night because for part of it I had been sitting staring at the wall. I told them how I thought a lot about things while I was walking. And how I didn't hitch hike (that didn't earn me as many bonus points with Darry as I thought it would).  
  
"Pony you gotta stop this now," Darry wasn't too pleased with me, "You have so much going for you. You're getting side tracked because you don't know who you are. Pony there are so many who feel just like you. When I was your age I didn't know who I was. Get a handle on your life. Yes you need to figure out who you are but you can't look like you are. Your looking as if your somewhere on earth when in truth your not. You can't find yourself by physically searching."  
  
"How did you find yourself?"  
  
"Mom and Dad were there for me. Always cheering me on. And my friends were there too just for the extra support. It's gonna be hard Pony nobody every said life was easy. When did you start feeling this way?"  
  
"For a while. When Johnny was alive I was fine because he was always there to make me laugh so I never had to even think about it. I just laughed and all my problems went away. But now that Johnny is gone I have no reason to laugh anymore. It's like when Johnny and Dally died, I died with them. It hurts." 


	13. Chapter 13 A Prayer

Chapter 13 A Prayer  
  
Hey someone told me to start updating sooner and since I have a day off of school for no reason (not that um complaining I happen to like not having to go to that prison) I thought I'd write another chapter. Thank you to everyone who is reading this. Also, these characters aren't mine, they all come from the brilliant mind of S.E. Hinton.  
  
Darry grounded me. I couldn't blame him. They were worried about me. I am worried about me. Let's see how long am I grounded for? 3 months that's right I remember now it's three months. And I've been sitting here for 3 hours. Darry and Soda left me here in the room alone. They said I couldn't come out until dinner. Oh well that's aight. Hmmm I wonder what Darry and Soda are talking about.  
  
I stealthily snuck into the other room where I could hear Darry and Soda. I could here the whole gang was in there. Well not the whole gang. Just the ones still left.  
  
"Pony get back into your room!!!!! Right now!"  
  
I ran back into the room. How did he know? Maybe he has super vision, like the real Superman. That's Darry, always knows whats going on when. But he doesn't know what's going on with me. Oh well I guess he can't always be perfect. I can't always be perfect. Nobody can be perfect. Especially not me.  
  
Ugh! Pony stop thinking like that stop it! Your gonna end up alone and unhappy if you keep thinking like that. Wait I already am alone and unhappy. Well at least I don't have to worry about ending up like that. Maybe I've always been like this. Before I just hid it. I've always kept secrets, except from Johnny. He was someone I could always talk to no matter what it was about. He was always someone who would listen. I need a friend. Oh well I have school tomorrow that should take my mind off of things since I need to make up the work that I've missed.  
  
Dinner was quiet and as soon as I left the table I heard them start talking again. Let them talk though. That just shows that they aren't really my friends if they can't confront me face to face. And they resort to talking about me behind my back. I need to find a new friend. I can't go on like this. Not being able to depend on people. It just doesn't work like that. Life should be fun and friends should be friends. Instead for me life is something I dread facing when I get up in the morning and my friends act like jerks as soon as I walk out of the room. I was still thinking about all of this when I went to bed. That night I prayed before I went to bed. It was a long prayer that was between me and God, so I locked the door to the room before I said it.  
  
"Lord all mighty. I never pray anymore. I never go to church anymore. And you probably don't want to listen to me. I need someone to talk to though. I need help. I need a lot of help. I feel like I'm missing a part of me. When Johnny and Dally died it seemed like my world stopped but everything else kept going. Now I'm in a real mess and I can't get out of it by myself.  
  
I've always felt that fighting was wrong. Sometimes it seems like I'm the only one with a conscience around here. I can't help feeling the way I feel despite the fact that I'm a greaser. The day that Johnny died was the day that I felt the pain of fighting 20 times worse. I feel bad for anyone I've ever beaten up. I feel bad for everyone who is poor. I feel bad for everyone with a problem and I see the pains of the world and I want to cry. When Johnny died my reason for laughing died too so I never felt any relief from the pain.  
  
Everything I have ever felt and never said is starting to catch up to me. And I don't think I can handle the pains of everyone else much longer. I just don't know how much longer. And when I'm gone please take care of my family I still love them all of em. The whole gang, even Steve. I just hope that I get some help." 


	14. Chapter 14 A Visitor

Chapter 14 A Shadow  
  
Sorry that I haven't updated in a really long time. I never knew what to write about, so I just let the story go. Then today I got an e-mail from my friend with a link to my story and a note that says your fans are getting restless. I decided to try and write a new chapter. Here it is. Hope you like. Also, these characters belong to S.E. Hinton not me.  
  
After my prayer I fell into a deep sleep. I never heard Soda come in for bed. I never heard what was left of the gang leave. I did hear a voice. I sat up and looked around the room. I could see someone standing in the corner watching me. It was too dark to see their face.  
  
"Pony, what happened to you? You know who you are. Stop wearing that mask that you've worn since the day your parents died. Your letting others tell you who you are, and that's why you're confused." A faint glow was being given off by the person. "Pony, Nothing has changed. Only you know who you are. When you let people tell you different you lose yourself. Just believe in who you are. Stop being such a pain, but don't lay down and let them plow over you."  
  
"I feel like they don't understand me. I'm just the baby to them. I'm not mature. I'm not old enough to make my own decisions. I'm 16 for Christ's sake! They treat me like um 5. They don't know how hard I work. It's not easy doing a sport and getting good grades. Teachers yell at me, Coaches yell at me and for what?!? Huh?? Tell me that what's it all for? So I can come here and get yelled at some more! They think I snap my fingers and an A paper appears. They think I can handle everything they throw at me just because I'm their little brother. Well guess what. I'm only human. I'm not Darry the superhero, or Soda who can laugh everything off. I'm Ponyboy Curtis. I can't be perfect. I can't always bring home an A. I'm not always going to win the race." It felt so good saying that, even if it was to someone besides Darry and Soda.  
  
"Your completely and totally right. So why are you telling me that? Shouldn't you be telling them?"  
  
"I already have. They said they understood. Then Darry grounded me. I can't blame him for that but he walked away. He didn't talk to me. He didn't comfort me. He just said 'I understand', grounded me and walked away. He hates me. I can see it in his eyes. Whenever he talks to me he can never quite look me in the eye. He just acts like he blames me for everything. And now I think Soda does too."  
  
"You know that's not tru."  
  
"DON'T TELL ME IT'S NOT TRUE!!! YOU DON'T LIVE MY LIFE. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!!"  
  
That's when he stepped into the light. I knew exactly who it was and was sorry I had ever raised my voice. He just looked at me with a sense of pity and said "I'm sorry". Then he was gone. 


	15. Chapter 15 Once Again

Chapter 15 Once Again  
  
I have been away for most of the summer and as such haven't had much time to write anything. I hope you can forgive me for my absence. Once again this plot is the only thing that's mine. All the characters are S.E. Hinton's.  
  
A week passed and Darry stopped my grounding. I didn't care either way. I wanted to be visited again. Everything was so clear at that moment. I knew what I had to say and who I had to say it to. When I saw who it was I thought for the first time in a long time "Everything really is gonna be all right". But as soon as I got out into the world again I forgot. My thoughts became muddled again. I got scared when faced by the prospect of actually having to tell off my bothers and stick up for myself.  
  
Another week went by. School came and went. My brothers came and went as they pleased. When I wasn't at school or track practice I was at home. I smoked more now and Darry was beginning to jump down my throat about it.  
  
"Ponyboy Curtis you better put that cigarette out before you kill yourself. That's your second pack today and if your not careful you'll start to lose air capacity in your lungs. You won't be able to run anymore and that scholarship will be out the window."  
  
"That's all you care about. My scholarship. How do you even know I'll get one?" I mumbled this so softly I didn't think he'd hear me.  
  
"I know, you smart mouth, because as much as I think you don't use your head the school does. You get good grades and any school would be lucky to have you." Oop I guess I wasn't as quiet as I thought I had been.  
  
I just left the room then. I didn't have the strength to agrue. I had had to run extra today for being late to practice. I was late because I had to finish a lab assignment for Science. But did he care about any of that? No. It was all about getting me out of this house. Getting me to move away from here. When I was gone he and Soda would be able to do more things they wanted to do. Especially if I got a scholarship.  
  
"Heya Pony!"  
  
"Hi Two bit."  
  
"Hey kid I think your getting' faster. I stopped by practice today and saw you runnin man kid you sure can run."  
  
"Thanks Two-Bit"  
  
"Hey you wanna catch a flick tonight?"  
  
"He can't it's a school night and he has homework!" Darry yelled from the kitchen. "Sorry bout that kid. Guess it's all work and no play."  
  
"Yeah you got that right Two-Bit"  
  
That night I laid there. I couldn't sleep. I silently got up and went outside. I decided to take a walk. I walked to the park. I was sitting by the fountain just thinking about nothing in particular when I heard a noise. It suddenly occurred to me what a bad idea this was. I got up and was walking back when someone came out of the bushes ahead of me.  
  
"So you decided to come visit me again?" 


	16. Chapter 16 Everything they're not

Hey thanks for the reviews. So due to demand (though not popular) here is the next chapter. Oh and none of the characters belong to me they all belong to S.E. Hinton, except for Kirkor.  
  
Chapter 16 Everything they're not  
  
"Hey you're my best friend and I wanted you to know that I didn't abandon you. I just had to leave that night."  
  
"Yeah I know Johnny."  
  
"Look Pony you have to tell your brothers something. As much as you think they don't, they do care."  
  
"I know I just feel so. empty. It's like I have nothing left to give because I've already given my all. I mean my brothers want to me to be perfect because if I was they wouldn't have to worry about me. I would get a full ride to college, so they wouldn't have to worry about paying for that. They want me to be everything they weren't and everything they're not."  
  
"So tell that to them."  
  
"It's not the same with them as it is with you! I can talk to you. I can't just tell Darry how I feel." There were tears running down my face now.  
  
"Why not? You're so bound by how people see you and how you see them. Did you ever stop to think that maybe Darry wants you to tell him what's goin' on with you because maybe just maybe he's worried about you. But then again maybe you don't want to see that side of Darry because that would mean you would actually have to practice what you preach. You would need to talk to Darry instead of sitting there saying I can't."  
  
I whipped away my tears and ran. I ran from Darry, from Johnny, from everyone. I just ran. I stopped after a while and looked around. I recognized the Shepherds neighborhood. I slowly started my walk home. Thinking about everything.  
  
When I got home everyone was still asleep, so I went back into my room and crawled back into my bed. I slept the rest of the night until Darry called for me to get up or be late for school.  
  
I headed out to school alone. I got there with very little time to spare so I grabbed my stuff from my locker and went to class. I go there just before the bell rang.  
  
"Ok class today we have a new student. Kirkor Gideon. Want to tell us a little about yourself?"  
  
My attention snapped to the beautiful brown haired green eyed girl who stood next to now. I hadn't even noticed her when I got in and now I couldn't take my eyes off her. 


	17. Chapter 17 Pony's Death

I had a little inspiration at 12 o'clock last night and so I decided to write the next chapter. Anyway thank you everyone who reviewed I really appreciate it. None of these characters are mine except Kirkor.  
  
Chapter 17 Pony's Death  
  
*Darry's POV*  
  
Dear Darry and Soda,  
  
I'm sorry. I couldn't take it anymore. It's not your fault, I just need to do this. I'll miss you.  
  
Ponyboy Curtis  
  
"NO!" I screamed as I ran into Pony and Soda's room. There he was Ponyboy Curtis, lying in a pool of his own blood. I collapsed onto the ground crying. My little buddy, my little brother had committed suicide. I heard the door slam and knew Soda was home.  
  
"Pony I'm home!" Soda called as I emerged from his bedroom. "I gotta get changed them I'm takin this new girl out to dinner."  
  
"Don't go in there Soda"  
  
"Why?"  
  
He knew something was wrong by the fact that my eyes were probably red and I had just come out of his room. I never go in his room unless I have a good reason. I held out the note to him. He took it from me and his eyes widened in realization. I picked up the note and he tried to run into the room but I grabbed the back of his shirt. I pulled him into a hug and he said that it couldn't be real. Pony had problems but that's what adolescence is all about. It's growing up. I knew it. I couldn't say anything though. What do you say to someone when they see everything falling apart. How do you tell someone it'll all work out. I couldn't do it.  
  
I went to the phone and called 911. Then Soda and I just sat on the couch huddled together. Neither of us could talk. The pain was just too great. It felt worse than the day Mom and Dad had died. Pony had his whole life ahead of him. He could have gone to college and found a better life than this.  
  
Soda went out to the park. Then Steve came in and wanted to know what was wrong. I handed him the letter that had been crushed so tightly in my hand. As soon as he read it he went to the park after Soda.  
  
I went to take a shower. I felt dirty. Seeing Pony just laying there, surrounded by his own blood made me feel dirty and sick at the same time.  
  
I wanted my little brother back. To say that I loved him and that I was sorry for everything. I knew it was partially my fault. I pushed him so hard, but only because I loved him. I wanted to give him everything that I missed out on. I wanted to give him something better than this house. Better than Socs and Greasers. Better than Tulsa..  
  
I sat up in bed and went to Soda's room to check on him. There they were Soda with his arm around Pony. Both sleeping peaceful. Both unaware of the nightmare I had just had. 


End file.
